My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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