what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
