I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom