so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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