Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
my nose is crying tears of wow.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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