I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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