next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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