i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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