make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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