My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
