i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
