sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
