just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
