how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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