That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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