They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
