New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
