You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
