How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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