Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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