I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
