What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
