Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
