She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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