woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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