I think im going to throw up on grandma
he puts the penis in happiness.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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