im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
