can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
