hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
