oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
