I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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