I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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