He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
