umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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