i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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