Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
