I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
