plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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