the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
