if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
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I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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