I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
