Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
