I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
