I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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