I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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