: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
