my phone needs a breathalizer
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
