just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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