I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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