You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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