ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
