i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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