Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
