I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
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