Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Randomize
