I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
