meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
