i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
