you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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