3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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