we have officially lost it.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
