Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
