omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
