All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
