So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
