By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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