i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
